For weeks, I had been going round in circles, aimlessly. Weeks turned into months. Everything seems wrong. Prolly it wasn't rong, it just wasn't right. Started to doubt myself in many aspect, if this is right, if this is wrong, if I should do this, that etcetera. What the heck happened to me, I kept interrogating. I walk around, without a soul, mind deep in thoughts. All I could say is, dis is one hell of a time. SOMETIMES i wld giv myself a break. It didn't last long. MInutes was it. I wasn't aware, dat I myself, didn't know myself that well. Whatmoreelse some Farking strangers? Profanity it is now.
I reminisced, 5 years back , when i was in my sweet teen, thoughts fair and pure. Everything was white in my sight. No black spots. Definitely not gray. How happie. I want to believe in this. Till the day I got caverned *touch wood! pantang me.lol* However, time and over again, TROUBLE with a BIG S just lurrvveesss knocking on my door. AND time and over again, I never fail to troublesomely get associated with it. Took a step back, forgave TROUBLES, pertained my so-called "Good Nature", branded with "Good Gurrllyyy". WTF!? To be exact, I'm sick of it. PS just said, prolly I wasn't born to live a tranquil life. Well, I did try my best to step out of them, for years. But they wouldn't leave me alone.
I remember-ed years ago, during my first depressing moment, whn fren decided she wld rather get a candy, sold me off, it was den I got myself my first little bb. I knew how betrayal felt like. BB was thr, I got attached, emotionally-attached I mean. Got detached, went thru couple years of self-isolation, turned into a different homo-sapien for god's sake. Recently, a fren decided she would get a candy too, sold me off again. I guess I did hv a Fark-up life.
A friend once said, it wasn't tough facing problems, BUT the courage to confront yourSELF. I'm finding it, the courage he said. I never cease to remember his words for I had endured endless hurtful moments, however , standing UPRIGHT STILL. A big *SIGH*. It is so hard to understand oneself. So obscure. Ppl murmured low, like wind whispering, in my ears, how I shld behave, act, talk. It's a pain in the arse at times. I'm confused, as I am now trapped, low in the BIG 3 "emotionally, mentally, physically" state. Another big SIGH. This will go through, I know, But how I want it to go through? It will soon be over, however obscure, dark it is. HALT! I don't want to walk on for years and years, in the future, and lament that I shld hv done dat instead of dis. How i shape it now shapes my future thoughts, mentally & emotionally.
More time to think? Darn. First thing first. According to the "7 habits of a highly-effective ppl" by Stephen Covey, PUT FIRST THING FIRST. Ppl dont learn, do they? I wld just have to throw all of this behind my head, click on them at a later time. Definitely after graduation. *PRAYING*. Well, after lamenting for an hour, thinking back now, Life isn't that bad afterall. ALL I need is just a genuine fortuitous moment. And prepare myself for future contingency. Happy moments are coming. *BIG SMILEEEEE*
4 comments:
Feel sorry for wad u faced. I'd been in the same shoe too.Numberless ppl sold me off for the past years and in the end i learnt nt to trust anyone that much. I started to work alone and mix around with those that is same with me. i actually lived a better life and survived in a more independent way. just concentrate doin wad u doin, we cant control other ppl and cant avoid wad they goin to do to us.
It's always tough to cope with betrayal. However, I still long to trust ppl. I kinda isolate myself after some incidents in the past. Bt life still goes on, doesnt it? lol. Loner, life goes on. We live through everyday only once. ur not alone in dis world. Believe in "trust". Wishing u best of luck =)
wth wth, looking bck at the stuff I've written really seems emo la. wth wth.
Thx for the concern =)
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